A Little while longer

Its been a while since I've written.
I've definately missed it. So, I'm back.

Not completely. I DEFINATELY dont feel like myself lately..
I don't want to do anything. I dont feel like cleaning, or making bows or Doing anything whatsoever.
The only thing I have done lately is make Kyler a new outfit. I worked on it non-stop for an entire night till 6 am.. i finished it, put the fabric away. and havent done anything since.

I dont know whats going on with me.
My room is a complete disaster. I gathered all of the dirty clothes..
And put them in a pile- acting as tho it is incredibly impossible to throw them in the washing machine.

I gathered all of the dirty dishes REFUSING to pile them in the dishwasher.
I feel comepletely drained and compellingly lazy.
I hate this feeling.

In my head I think "tomorrow, i will start being WONDERMOM. I will keep my house spotless, and put the clothes away. And i have no reason not to. Im a stay at home mom. I don't have anything else in my life but the kids. So im gonna spotlessly clean tomorrow"

But tomorrow never comes.. and theres rice all over the floor where kyler dumped her bowl. (yesterday)

AHHH. what is going on in my head?
I feel like im drowning in the persona of someone i dont want to be. Someone im not on the inside.

On the inside im amazing. and organized. and clean. and gorgeous.
a trophy wife to my soon to be ex-husband.. and a trophy g-f to my b-f

Maybe thats what this is all about..
Maybe the underlying cause of my fake "depression" is my outward appearance due to the fact that i dont look like i used to on the outside.
So now this persona is acting like my outside appearance.

Therefore causing me to act like someone i dont want to be because i look like someone i dont want to be.

I notice as Im im writing this, Im saying the words as i type.
Makes for faster typing- and more clear thoughts running through my head.

Wow.. i am a fast typer this way.

ANyways.
Kyle will be here in 4 more weeks.
Maybe by then i wont be me..
Ill be the me on the inside. not the one on the outside tht used to be me on the inside. :)