I'm gonna try to write everyday..
I know thats stupid, and probably impossible.
But who's to say i cant.

I mean- everynight i have hours and hours after the kids go to bed, so maybe this will be good for me. Maybe i can express myself. Relieve tension. relieve me by doing this.

I was able to accomplish some things today. I cleaned my kitchen for the first time in over a week. I dont even remember the last time i cooked for my family. Ive just been ordering in.
I can now see the livingroom floor too.. And now you can tell it needs vacuuming horribly.

i have clean dishes. but the makeup that kyler got all over the couch has stained the covers, and i washed them 3 times, but it wont come out.

So.. I think i will need to buy the couch covers Maybe that will help when the kids spill stuff.
I made a sale today.. the first one in forever.. it accumulated to a total of $12.00 HAHA..
Man i really suck at this boutique thing.

and whats awful is its the only thing i want to do in life right now.
But its not happening. I want a shop. I want a shop full of homemade items that I did.
i want to design.
Maybe its not for me. Maybe its a sign that i should go back to school.
I know nothing about business, and i know nothing about sewing, yet everytime i make something it turns out great. So which is it?
Im not making sales- Go back to school
Im a great designer- start the business.

Its so friggin aggrivating. I want to do this soo bad. I mean- Everyone loves my stuff, but I dont know how to get my name out there..
And what happens when i do get orders. I can barely run my house as it is.. What if i get too many orders.

Why am i having such a hard time dealing with this..
Maybe it has something to do with this Gallo Family Moscato I bought today.. Its delish.
whatev..
Im goin to bed!

A Little while longer

Its been a while since I've written.
I've definately missed it. So, I'm back.

Not completely. I DEFINATELY dont feel like myself lately..
I don't want to do anything. I dont feel like cleaning, or making bows or Doing anything whatsoever.
The only thing I have done lately is make Kyler a new outfit. I worked on it non-stop for an entire night till 6 am.. i finished it, put the fabric away. and havent done anything since.

I dont know whats going on with me.
My room is a complete disaster. I gathered all of the dirty clothes..
And put them in a pile- acting as tho it is incredibly impossible to throw them in the washing machine.

I gathered all of the dirty dishes REFUSING to pile them in the dishwasher.
I feel comepletely drained and compellingly lazy.
I hate this feeling.

In my head I think "tomorrow, i will start being WONDERMOM. I will keep my house spotless, and put the clothes away. And i have no reason not to. Im a stay at home mom. I don't have anything else in my life but the kids. So im gonna spotlessly clean tomorrow"

But tomorrow never comes.. and theres rice all over the floor where kyler dumped her bowl. (yesterday)

AHHH. what is going on in my head?
I feel like im drowning in the persona of someone i dont want to be. Someone im not on the inside.

On the inside im amazing. and organized. and clean. and gorgeous.
a trophy wife to my soon to be ex-husband.. and a trophy g-f to my b-f

Maybe thats what this is all about..
Maybe the underlying cause of my fake "depression" is my outward appearance due to the fact that i dont look like i used to on the outside.
So now this persona is acting like my outside appearance.

Therefore causing me to act like someone i dont want to be because i look like someone i dont want to be.

I notice as Im im writing this, Im saying the words as i type.
Makes for faster typing- and more clear thoughts running through my head.

Wow.. i am a fast typer this way.

ANyways.
Kyle will be here in 4 more weeks.
Maybe by then i wont be me..
Ill be the me on the inside. not the one on the outside tht used to be me on the inside. :)

Need more time-

Feel like i spend no time with kyler bug...

i feel like a horrible parent.. But the craft show is coming up and im not ready, and really i guess i should think of this as a full time job.. Being crafty and all= but what about my kid, shouldnt she have full time attention? Shes ten months old for gods sake.

what about her? and when the new baby comes? what about her? I cannot just push her over to the side. i cannot get her out of the way becuz mommys too tired to play with you- its not her fault..
Its mine.
and no offense to new baby, but if i would have been able to have my way- the new baby would have a set of adoptive parents already.

We were in no position to even think about keeping another baby- its bad enough we didnt have enough money to feed ourselves, and got our electricity turned off, and evicted out of our apartment.. Which wouldnt have happened, had i not let an old friend talk me into moving and splitting the rent, then having her bail. and leave me to pay all the bills on a more expensive place.

no- none of it would have happened.. and he would still be here, kyler would know her dad...

and i would have more time in the day-

Another Day

I dont think i got a single thing accomplished today-
Kyler had a dr appt.. which we were an hour late for thinking it was at 11./. it was at 10...

Went to a friends.. talked- left smelling like smoke and wishing they didnt smoke..
Went to hobby Lobby- got the lady to cut me some fabric for a cart cover.. couldnt find my debit card.. searched the car- searched the diaper bag, checked my front pockets.. no card

went to walmart- grabbed some wraps for lunch,

shared wraps with kyler. got a few groceries..
came home..

found the card in my (back) pocket. put kyler down for a nap- 2 hours late. started a diaper clutch that i couldnt finish because kyler was asleep... in the room with the sewing machine. said id do it later.

never did.

fixed dinner. made potato patties.. added the olive oil in the potatoes.. the olive oil was supposed to go in the pan..
potatoes were gross.. threw them out- made mashed potatoes.. ate them with the pork and beef tip wine reduction. it needed salt.

tried to get kyler to poo in the potty... she refused. she sat in my lap- and pooed on me.
gave kyler a bath-

watched tv- played with kyler.
put kyler in her jammies.

put her to bed. now- watching golden girls and realizing i wasted this day.

10 more weeks till the boy is here- (sarcastic) yay!